Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The truth about pregnancy:

Trust me. I'm an expert...

There are some things about being pregnant that you can't possibly fathom until you are pregnant. Considering, statistically speaking, there are slightly more men than women (WOOHOO!) and as of yet it is impossible for a true male to get knocked up I would like to reminisce for a moment or two. I would like to explain pregnancy to the 51% of the population that will never be expected to push a bowling ball from between your legs, and warn the 49% that is dumb enough to try it; I would like to explain Pregnancy: 101.

First, if you are pregnant, it's normal. Doesn't matter what 'it' is. More than likely, 'it' sucks, and more than likely 'it' has an odor. If 'it' isn't 'normal', then don't worry about it, that won't do you any good. That is easier said than done when suddenly your world has turned into research and development of Kevlar stomach armor and trying to think of a way to cause your placenta to take EVERYTHING that could possibly be questionable away from your parasite...

Which ever genius decided you can't eat lunch meat will burn in hell for inciting paranoia among the expecting. It's bull shit. It's lunch meat. Imagine for a moment that you are an expecting penguin. Sardines, your major food source, have of course been exiled from your diet due to heavy metals. After visiting your penguin gyno with an extra creepy latex flipper glove you come to the realization that there is nothing else you want to eat! A completely helpful, wise penguin offers his advice (because we all know that men are experts when it comes to pregnancy cravings, and no-no's) "Try tofu!". Right, I would rather milk a plant, let said milk ferment into a gelatinous blob, and pretend it tastes anything like meat than eat a damn fish. There is nothing wrong with lunch meat, you really don't have to microwave it before you eat it. As far as cheese? "You can't eat soft cheeses like Mexican, or Blue cheese". I believe that one. I mean, Mexicans are clearly becoming extinct because of the great cheese die-off...

Second. If you've ever thought you could be pregnant, but not sure what to do... Is it really difficult? You piss on a stick. How hard is that? You can count to two, right? Two lines means you're knocked up, I don't think it's hard to read those test results... And no, just because the new fangled tests sometimes comes with a smiley face instead of a second line doesn't mean the stick is a mind reader, it's saying "Yay! you're pregnant!" not "Yay! I knew you would be terrified if I showed up as a positive, so I'm smiling to make you think you aren't pregnant!". If you're really confused, try a digital pee-stick. Even a complete illiterate can read those results...

When I got knocked up, the first thing we did was tell our folks. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. Let them squirm. Let them guess if you've really got food poisoning. Let them wonder if you just spent an extra few minutes in the sun. Because if you don't (and your family is as fucked up as my mother) they will not only have longer to torment you, but they will start guessing conception dates, times, and places. My mother swears her grandson was conceived in her basement on Christmas Day. Little does she know it was Christmas Eve, at our house, on the couch that my mother in law gave us, doggy style (go ahead and try to sleep tonight). What can I say, Celebrating a dead guys fake birthday turns me on...

The first thing my folks did when we told them was celebrate and congratulate us on a job well done. Weirdest moment ever. "Did my dad just congratulate me for having sex?!" My mother came at me, reaching out to touch my parasite housing stomach as if instantly I went from perfectly normal old Sophie, to a Buddah belly luck charm that couldn't be passed by a single person without a good rub. Hell. No. Just cause I'm about to start packing on the pounds like a bear preparing for the apocalypse, does NOT mean you have the right to touch my stomach!

I wasn't so prepared for my mother in law's reaction though. I've never been the touchy-feely-crying type (you may have guessed). So when my mother in law broke in to tears, sobbing hysterically on her knees before Mike could finish saying 'baby' I thought she was dying, not trying to congratulate us on 'a job well done'. Before I knew it this sobbing woman was on her knees, at my feet, arms wrapping creepily around my stomach, and head pressed firmly where the little parasite should have been (conveniently uncomfortably close to my crotch.) I wanted SO badly to let one rip, and blame it on the kid. But I was far too stunned. Who does that?! Would you bury your face in your newly expecting daughter in law's lower abdomen??

I felt so violated. I would have taken a hot shower to sanitize myself, but the guy who said lunch meat is a no-no conspired with another idiot who said 'no hot water'. Turns out that was a good thing. Cold showers are indicated when you're jacked up on hormones. Teenage boys have nothing on pregnant women. I'm normally horny, but poor Mike couldn't catch a break for nine months! "What's it gonna hurt? You can't knock me up again!". And being that horny, with your mother in law's face pressed to your stomach... Nothing can induce morning sickness as readily as that!

That covers the first month out of nine. Kind of. See, by the time you know you're about to kiss your freedom and sleep goodbye you are already four weeks pregnant. But then, how long is a pregnancy? Nine months? Technically speaking, it is 40 weeks. FORTY Fucking WEEKS! A quick double-take tells you that is ten months, four weeks to a month... But in reality, it is about 9 months, and a little over a week. None of this matters as it will feel more like 9 years. And by the end of it you will be screaming, "I just want to SLEEP COMFORTABLY!" to which the invariable retort is, "Oh, just you wait. When that baby is here you won't sleep at all"... Well, no shit, Sherlock. The key words there were 'want' and 'COMFORTABLY'. My kid is the epitome of 'bad sleeper'. And I had a rough time post partum, BUT I was comfortable! And when allowed, I could actually close my eyes and sleep instead of writhing in agony as everything ached and my legs felt like they were crawling away without my body. I could breathe, and I could turn over in bed with out the help of ten world class body builders...

In any event, because only the first month (kind of) took so long, 'Pregnancy: 101' will have to come in installments.

Oh, and you're not a penguin any more.


  1. I was really having to control myself on this one! Cause we all know women who have had a baby don't always have control over their bladders anymore-- and I ALMOST emptied mine whilst reading this because I was laughing so hard :). Thanks alot Sophie!

  2. I'll have to ship you some Depends. I've got nine(ish) more months to cover of pregnancy... I loved being pregnant, I really did. But I swear, if I heard, "Just you wait" or one more piece of unsolicited advice again I would not be held accountable for my actions.

    Anyway, glad you enjoyed it! And please, don't use me as an excuse for your incontinence. ;-p