Regret

Reliving a learned lesson in Life

Can be as painful as a first regret.

A sunset on one side of the world

Can lead to a sunrise as bloody back home.

For once I have been bloodied by this heart-felt sting

I stand again in anguish, just as pure, under opposing supervention.

As before I stand up, bloodied, broken, yet strong and defiant

Resolute in the knowledge that I will win, will overcome.

The efficacy of virtue

The aptitude of skill

And the determination of the nature of regret

Will deliver me from this wretched torture.

Until Life leads me back to this place of regret

And I am again confronted with sorrow beyond subjection.

Darwin died?!

It is official. Homo sapiens have halted the process of natural selection in everything except viruses and germs. Where could we possibly go wrong with that?

A prime example of the death of Darwinism; The Panda. A highly specialized being with completely inadequate physiology to survive, and yet, here we are trying to save them instead of trying to stop the slaughter of perfectly evolved beings like sharks. One thing history has repeatedly taught us is that specialist perish while generalists flourish. A Giant Panda lives off of one type of plant, in a single region. It has teeth and a digestive system suitable for a carnivore and so cannot physically digest its sole source of nutrients.

But, let's save the Panda! They are cute. And cuddly! And a complete waste of biomass.

Meanwhile, an animal that has an enormous, detrimental impact on worldwide ecosystems is being hunted, trapped, killed, and exploited to extinction with nothing being done about it.

I'm taking my son in for his immunizations. Never mind that my mother lies to try to get me to vaccinate my son against anything and everything (I apparently got the chicken pox vaccine 3 years before it was available), but the doctor takes her time to lie too. "Future generations are living longer. Now that we are living longer, we want them to have the best life possible. That means immunizing them so they don't get shingles, or paralyzed." What?

First - you can still get shingles from the pox vaccine, so fuck off twat.

Second - You ass clowns didn't start vaccinating for every day colds until the 80's. You complain about the weakened immune systems of the elderly in one breath, then plan to squash my child's immune system by not letting it work with the next. You see the old people now 'suffering'. What do you think is going to happen when I'm old? Is the world going to be magical? Filled with rainbows and butterflies? With unicorns frolicking on grassy knolls because you injected me with dead cells, viruses, and heavy metals? Why am I guessing, "Not."?

Third - Scare tactics, nice. Try that one on the sheeple. Cunt. My son will apparently be paralyzed because of chicken pox. It's written in her calendar.

My prediction: In 30 years, there are going to be mass breakouts of extant viruses because the immune systems that we have effectively killed with kindness will be without the long term benefits of natural immunity. Face it; long term efficacy is not a strong point of vaccines. You say there is no data to support that? Bull shit. Look at whopping cough. How many people has it killed in the last few years? Why? Because people who thought they were immune - whoops - turns out you need a booster for that. Haha, sorry, you actually weren't immune. And even if you were, it wouldn't matter. Turns out the whopping cough virus is a lot like the flu. It can live on your skin, on wet surfaces, on dry surfaces, etc. for days! You don't have to have it, to give it! Isn't that nice!

What do you know? Houston, we have kryptonite! It's our own fucking stupidity.

Keep you fucking needles away from my kid. One size does not fit all in medicine. I will chose what works for us, for now.

Expectations

Motivation can do great things. Luck can do great things. Skill can do great things.

Nothing is guaranteed.

You may have noticed. I lack follow through (last blog? A year ago.) Great intentions and all that jazz. Shit storms are hitting now, though, so a release is indicated.

I'm dyslexic. I hold an accounting position at work. Tell me how this works, please? Tell me who thought it was a good idea to move somebody who sees no physical difference between 69 and 96 into an authority position in regards to numbers, and more importantly, money? Needless to say, I fucking hate this fucking job. I've been at this fucking desk for over two years. Every glorious morning I wake up more sullen than the one previous. Every day I get home more, and more pissed off at the world. Every day my heart breaks just a little bit more as I send out more applications and resumes. To what point and purpose? Fuck it all. Five years out, and nothing to show for it. Fuck it all.

I started running as a release, and as an excuse to get my fat ass a bit more in shape. I joined this great group of ladies who, with much less experience, and much more going against them than I have, started the Couch To 5K program. Today is my last run (WOOHOO!). I was supposed to be done two weeks ago. I've tried everything to avoid the excuses, the pathetic, 'Woe is me' bullshit that plagues this society... Can't do it. My knee went out twice in one day after my first 'virtual 5K race'. It's just now resuming some form of what a knee should look like. Never mind the bruises though. What the fuck was I thinking? I fucking hate running! With the passion of a thousand burning suns. Fuck it all. I'm done, and I feel guilty. I was the fucking genius who said, "Hey friends! Let's RUN! Physical fitness isss guud, right?!" and now I'm letting everybody down. It's how I roll. Fuck it all.

Yesterday was a bit more than I could bear. Life has officially gotten in the way of... Life. I never wanted to live like this. Work to pay bills, pay bills to get to work, rotting away at a desk, making excuses for myself, constantly hating who I am and taking it out on my husband and son. They deserve better than that, better than a self loathing, psuedo-emo, brat.

What the flying fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just be 'happy'?

"Hurt" as performed by Johnny Cash:

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain;
The only thing that's real.


The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting.
Try to kill it all away
But I remember every thing


What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Every one I know
Goes away in the end


And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make hurt.


I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liars chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair


Beneath the stains of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here


What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Every one I know
Goes away in the end


And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt


If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way


I will keep myself
I will find a way

"Invictus" by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pole from pit to pit
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance,
My head is bloody but unbowed.


Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds me and shall find me unafraid.


It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

Words I've tried to live by; words centering in my future tattoo. Words that have saved my life. Words that have MADE my life.

So, why are they failing me now? No. Why am I failing me now?