Monday, July 11, 2011

The Truth about pregnancy: 102

Back by popular demand, pregnancy hormones;

Vulcan like rational thinking has never been, nor will it ever be a strong point of mine. I have a tendency to say what I really mean. Sometimes it gets me into trouble, sometimes it makes my friends a bit edgy about our friendship, but most of the time, it works out well. People know that I will never say anything behind your back that I won't say to your face. And if you can live with that, you know you can accept me for what I am. And then, there were two... When one body contains two beating hearts, something is bound to go awry.

A very unfortunate side effect of pregnancy hormones, are the hormones. Said hormones have the ability to make that 'brain-to-mouth' filter even less functional.

And I didn't mind one bit!

But God help whomever decided to blame my 'atitude' on 'the hormones'. Rest assured, there is no better way to piss a pregnant lady off than to blame it on her hormones. "Right. I'm completely out of line, and out of control! Simply because my world has suddenly been turned upside-down and inside-out does not mean I have any reason to be slightly on edge. I have NOTHING to worry about. I'm not solely responsible for growing another entire human being. I haven't overnight gone from being able to live in my own skin and doing what I want to having to share my own body with some unannounced little parasite that everybody says I should love and feel from the second of conception. I shouldn't at all be edgy because suddenly everybody expects me to allow them to rub my belly and ask about what I intend to do with my tits. Not to mention having to go to the doctor every month, every two weeks, and every week (assuming you don't have complications) only to be asked the same questions every time; 'When was your last period?', 'Are you allergic to anything', 'Your entire family history dating back to pre-colonial America?', 'Alright then, let's have a look!'." And having somebody look at your vagina is unnerving enough. To make matters worse, those 'look' happy doctors are more like toddlers - in order to 'look' they have to stare, poke, prod, invade, and point and giggle (or so it seems).

Yeah, expecting women have NOTHING to have an attitude about... Especially considering every Tom, Dick, and Harry has opinions, excuses, and advice about your body. Please excuse me if I don't listen to you about your pregnancy experiences, but seeing as I assume you have a penis, I don't think your anecdotes are first hand knowledge.

Two months in, these 'hormones' will start to hit home as everybody and their second cousin thrice removed on your great aunt Joanie's side will start to badger you about finding out vs. not finding out, colors of the baby room, 'Was this baby planned?', 'How did this happen?', 'When I had mine (32 years ago)...', ... What the fuck? I JUST had sex last week and people are already badgering me about my 'birth choices', parenting styles, and tit usage? Just because a child was conceived in the privacy of your own bedroom, or living room, or kitchen, or car (say, does anybody want to come over for a party? Don't mind the stain on the couch...) does not mean anything, and I mean ANYTHING about your child will be a private matter. And since said child is in your body, it is by default eligible for equal scuitinization.

But, as much as we hate to admit it, the 'hormones' can make us even less stable than we were before. What people who a)have never been pregnant before, or b) forget if they were pregnant more than 13 months ago don't realize is that "WE KNOW". Yes, it is highly irrational to know you are being irrational, and yet continue to be irrational... But it happens! Excuse preggos for not wanting to explain why we don't want to talk about how we plan to ripen our cervices for impending birth... If you do manage to pry our birth plans out of us through incessant questioning please, leave your opinion where it belongs, in your ass. Just because I want drugs doesn't make me a pansy. And just because I want an all natural water-home birth doesn't make me a tree hugger. And yes, we all know that nothing is certain in childbirth. Thus why it used to be such a risky business.

Wait, why am I talking about birthing during the second month of pregnancy? Because in the three minutes it took for you to realize that there were indeed two lines on that stick every bit of this crossed your mind. Your life flashed before your eyes. Not the life you've had. But the life you expect to have. The perfect little family, cuddling on the couch, staring lovingly into your husbands eyes as he rests his head on your growing belly waiting for a movement from that perfect little bean, listening to a crackling fire with soft music playing in the background. Months later you expect a perfectly complication free delivery and see yourself crying with happiness as this perfectly formed baby stares up at you with nothing but love in its eyes with your husband standing guard at your shoulder, grinning from ear to ear and a silent tear running down his cheek. The next day you come home to a perfectly clean house with a content baby...

Reality will be different, you know that. I know that. But we can dream, right? Reality will probably be more along the lines of; You and your husband will be cuddling on the couch, and just as you let one rip the Satan spawn kicks him so hard in the ear that both your belly and the side of his face are now bruised. The TV is blaring, dinner isn't made, dishes aren't done, the nursery is no where near even close to getting started and you fight constantly about "How can you tell me I can't paint when God KNOWS you'll never get it done in time?!".

In those short minutes that it took to register that you are pregnant you have probably prepared yourself for 'every' eventuality concerning yourself. What you can't prepare for is how everybody else will suddenly treat you like either a leper, or a delicate piece of crystal stemware expected to sit atop a palm tree during a category five hurricane. Everybody, even at two months, looks at you like you're going to fall apart.

As far as being physically two months pregnant while mentally 9 months pregnant. Yup, 'it's normal'. Yup, 'it' sucks. And yup, more than likely 'it' has an odor. Get used to it. You are going to be tired (But for God's sake don't say anything because you'll hear the "Oh, you just wait!". Trust me, you're not allowed to be miserable in everybody else's eyes yet.). You are going to be sick. You are going to swear up and down that you smell something, but you're not quite sure what. And you are going to go nuts trying to explain to your husband that for once in your relationship he needs to just let you rape him in his sleep, he needs to understand everything you say, and he needs to hold your hair back while you puke.

Friday, July 8, 2011

The Ebonic Plague

I'm sure many of you will have heard of the Bubonic Plague, or the Black Death that tore through Europe in the 14th century. The Bubonic Plague killed roughly 75 million people, an estimated 30-60% of the worlds population at the time.

The disease was ravaging, killing two-thirds of the infected people within four meager days.

No disease known to man has ever taken out so much of a single population before.

Until now.

This new plague, The Ebonic Plague, has claimed a seemingly endless number of souls with more being infected every day. This new plague, only recently described by scientists and sociologists as the downfall of society, has by far surpassed epidemic proportions. Yet, you've probably never heard of it.

The prognosis of those infected with The Ebonic Plague is not good. Although not commonly fatal, The Ebonic Plague seems to infect the nervous system, which in turn debilitates speech, the ability to socialize, and somehow the infection causes the host to attempt to rationalize their actions while under the curse of The Ebonic Plague as "Cultural difference." which is clearly a misguided attempt by the virus to disguise its malice effects on society.

You may not have heard about it, but believe me, it's out there! Chances are you know several people infected by it. Please, take a minute to study the symptoms so you can protect yourself from this horrific pestilence:

  • Early symptoms include an unwillingness by those infected to use vowels whilst writing. This 'short hand' is the beginning of the end.
  • Soon, some words will be shortened into single letters, or completely misguided combinations of letters that somehow seem easier to write than a word only one, or two letters longer.
  • Next, words will be confused with numbers, punctuation will go wayside, words that sound similar, but are completely different will be forgotten and misused, and spelling may, or may not be reverted back to a five year old level.
  • Once this happens, speech laziness and inaccuracies are imminent. Certain sounds will be apparently impossible to say. Words will be combined where conventionally they were not, such as 'going to' evolves into 'gonna'.
  • Those severely infected may be commonly misunderstood, and may have a difficult time enunciating their preferences.
  • The most severe cases can result in physical laziness, and a sense of entitlement. Somehow the virus twists the infected persons brain to rationalize any well intentioned, or misguided attempt to intervene with the downward spiral of the infecteds intelligence.

The Ebonic Plague is not a specialist disease. It can infect anybody, and seems to have the potential to infect everybody. Please, be on guard for this pestilence. It is everywhere from small farming communities to booming metropolises. You can protect yourself from this virus by simply educating yourself as to the ways of the English Language. Take pride in your appearance and show people that you are educated.

Besides, is it really that difficult, or time consuming to type a 'y-o' in front of a 'u', or a 'u-r' after a 'yo'?

As stated from

Ebonics: A poor excuse for a failure to grasp the basics of english. When in doubt, throw an "izzle" sound in the middle of any word of just string random thoughts together and insinuate that they actually mean something.

Ebonics: "Yo G, you frontin me?"
English: "Excuse me, my peer, are you attempting to influence me to engage in a violent action with you?"

Ebonics: "You gots to git those Benjamins so you cin git dat bling-bling fo yo ride"
English: "You need to get money so that you can get expensive accessories for your car."

Jive/Ebonics: "Sheeeeiit, foo, I'z be doin' dat shit an' shorty be axin me fo' sum' scrilla."
English: Shit, friend, I am doing that stuff, and my girlfriend is asking me for some money.

Ebonics "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, they're like, it's better than yours, damn right its better than your, i could teach you, but I'd have to charge.

English "My frozen dairy treat brings all the male gender to the grassy area in the front of my residence. They say it is superior to yours. Yes, they are correct, it is far superior than yours. I could pass along this knowledge, but there would be a fee.

Standard English Example:
Question: What do you need to do?
Answer: I need to take the time, to gather the information, and then double check it, to see if I am correct in my facts; Then I have to package it and take it to the Post Office, so that I can get it insured, to make sure I don't lose my valuable work.

Ebonics Example:
Question: What cha' gawn do?
Answer: Lawd ha' murcy! I nee' ta git dis stuff togetha
and take it ta da Post office, and git me some insurance!

i) In any English word with a contraction, eliminate the apostrophe and any letters after it.
1) Is it alright if I rollerskate through the campus ?
English) Yes, it's alright
Ebonics) It OK
ii) In a word ending in "d," substitute "dt" or "oodt."
English) That's all very fine...
Ebonics) That all reeeal gooudt....
iii) In a word ending in "ore," eliminate everything after the first "o" and add an apostrophe.
English) I won't tell you again, please shut the door.
Ebonics) I ain tellin you no mo', shet de do' !!
iv) For suffixes with 2 identical consonants followed by "er," eliminate the "er."
English) That Negro was larger and was holding a pistol.
Ebonics) Mah nigga was bigga had his fingah on yo' trigga.
v) In general, most "er"s are dropped and replaced by "ah."
English) Tower of Power
Ebonics) Towah of Powah
vi) However, in the case of a plural, "ers" is replaced by "az."
English) Negroes
Ebonics) niggaz


Saturday, July 2, 2011

Oh Captain, My Captain

Me: You should have taken advantage of me last night.

Mike: Why?

Me: My uterus is eating my ovaries, I think.

Mike: Sometimes when the main road floods you just have to take the back road.

Me: Sometimes when it floods you have to find a new captain with a bigger boat. One who isn't afraid to go with the tides.