Monday, June 27, 2011

Hook, Line, and Sinker?

I'm trying, for some unknown reason, to think of a way to draw readers in. Probably some deep seeded issue dealing with the suppressed consciousness of the immature mind is causing me to lash out and seek attention and approval... To hell with that. The best shrinks in the world would have a field day with me. I'm not saying I could fool anybody, by any means. I'm just saying sometimes, people dig WAY too deep.

I'm one of those idiots who says what I mean, and I mean what I say. The deeper you dig, the more I ignore you. Fair warning.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand: How do I go about growing my army of loyal readers? How long will it take to amass a following large enough to achieve my life-long ambition of taking over the world with common sense and corporal punishment? Wait, should I have admitted that? Crap, too late now...

Maybe I should explain why I'm so jaded? But that might scare more people than it attracts. Although, the people who would be attracted by those stories would be great generals in my army... Hmm... The truth will come out, I'm sure, but later.

I was thinking about a few anecdotes. Maybe explain why my friends call me bait-rope? Or about the psychic who was talking to my unborn child! Or how I threatened to sleep in the ball pit at Chuck-e-Cheeses because the security guards were hoarding children...

The best I can come up with (seeing as I have the memory of a gold fish) off of the top of my head is this little gem: I was researching great white sharks in South Africa for four months. Pretty sweet, right?! Well, my last day there I was desperate to see, and say good bye to my pretty little sharkies. I was chumming my little heart out, stomping on sardines and squeezing shark liver in order to draw the big fish to our boat. You could see our chum slick for miles! And what a day it was!! We saw shark after shark and they all gave us great opportunities to get pictures of their pretty fins and say our tearful good byes.

Over the previous four months, any time we would see a sea lion cruising somewhere near the boat we would watch with baited (?) breath, chanting, "Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!", just hoping, wishing, and praying that our lucky day had come and that we would see a sea lion turn into used shark food. But alas, our prayers were always unanswered. So, as I stood knee deep in chum, with a bucket in the water I thought nothing of the sea lion slowly making its way directly up our chum slick, toward our boat.

Within minutes the sea lion was less than five feet from the boat. Starring me in the eye, begging for a sardine. It was almost cute! With its huge, pleading eyes and a quick bark... I bent over the side of the boat to drop more chum in the sea when I saw it.

Without a split second to analyze what was about to happen I realized that that cute little sea lion had barked its last bark (which as it turns out, wasn't quite true). Sure enough, a 10 foot shark breached on that silly little sea lion less than five feet from our boat, less than two feet from my arm dangling in the water.

Where once there was a playful, begging, happy sea lion instantly turned into a pool of red, and only half of a live, begging, not-so-happy sea lion. It took all of five seconds for everybody on the boat to realize what had just happened before I started laughing hysterically and giggling with glee as this sea lion bled out within arms reach, desperately pleading with us to put it on the boat. It would have been sad, if it weren't so amazing!

I grabbed my camera and started clicking pictures as I did a not-so-discrete happy dance at the turmoil and resulting death of that poor, unsuspecting sea lion. Sorry, but I don't feel bad for it. Survival of the fittest/Darwinism, call it what you will, the damn dumb sea lion swam up a trail of sardine in water infamous for its great white shark population... It deserved to die.

And that, my friends, is me, in a nut-shell. Or nut-house. Depending on how long I can ellude capture...

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